Q & A: My husband's ex keeps disappointing my step-daughter--what can we do about the emotional stress she's enduring due to her mom's actions?

Q.  My husband and I have full custody of his daughter.  Although her mom lives in town and could see her whenever she wants, the phone calls to come get her and spend time with her are few and far between.  When she does say she’s going to pick her up for an outing, she gets so excited to see her, but then her mom never shows up.  It’s a constant disappointment for her, and we’re the ones trying to comfort her and encourage her not to feel bad about her mom.  How long can we do this?  Can we take this to court and have her rights to see her taken away due to the fact that she is causing emotional distress on their daughter?

A.  Firstly, you just abide by the court order and the visitation outlined therein; however, we can often apply a rule called “Laches.”  I typically call this the “if you don’t use it, you lose it rule”.  You see, if the mother has made a consistent pattern of being inconsistent and this is disappointing the child, then you and your husband are within your rights to deny access as long as you are in the process of going to court to modify the current orders and limit the mother’s access to supervised visitation. Remember, your case must be strong!  You really do need a documented pattern over a long period of time to modify this effectively and successfully through the courts—whenever she says she’ll be there and does not follow through, document the date and information, including how your daughter felt when the situation occurred.  Documentation like this over a period of time is sufficient proof of emotional distress to your step-daughter.

Q & A: My fiance's ex-girlfriend tells her son to lie and keep secrets--what can we do about this behavior?

Q.  My fiancé and his ex-girlfriend have joint custody of their son.  His ex is way more lenient about a lot of things at the house, and knows that my fiancé does not agree with this.  We have found out that she takes his son to McDonald’s before dropping him off at our place for dinner just to please him, knowing that it will upset my fiancé, so she tells her son to keep it a secret from him.  She does this with a lot of things, and his poor son breaks down and tells us these things anyway and says that he doesn’t like keeping these secrets.  What can we do about this?

A.  First off, have your fiancé encourage his son to tell his mom he doesn’t like keeping these secrets—or any secrets, for that matter—from his dad.  This lets his son know that he does not need to be the mediator, messenger, or “secret holder” for each parent.  What this ends up doing is leading to parental alienation, which can cause the child to pull from one child towards another, thus allowing one parent to use the child as a pawn against the other.

Second, sit down with your fiancé and talk to the ex.  Let her know that her son has not been keeping these secrets and that you’re proud of him for knowing that it wasn’t right and speaking up.  Kindly remind her that these secrets do nothing but hurt others, including their son.

Another thing to consider, as well, is that these kinds of activities tend to start up before a parent starts fighting for more custody.  She may be trying to use her son and essentially bribe him toward her and away from his father in order to get him to favor her in court, possibly in order to get her son to say he’d rather be with his mom, mainly because she’s “more fun” than living at your home where certain rules exist, such as chores, bedtimes, and responsibilities.  Keep an eye on her actions to ensure this is not what she is trying to set up.

Q.  My husband and I have certain rules in our household, but his ex, with whom we share custody of his son, has absolutely no rules in place in HER household.  I don’t feel that it is beneficial to the kids to not have consistent rules in each household, but my husband won’t bring it up with her because for once, things are going smoothly.  What do we do?

A.  Everyone parents differently.  And when it comes to bouncing between two different families, children can pick up on these inconsistencies very quickly.  If one parent has a strict bedtime and the other doesn’t, they’ll choose the later bedtime any day.  Yet at the same time, the more lenient parent will tend to get all the positive praise from the children because of the fact that there are no rules, no chores, no disagreements at the other parent’s house.  And at some point, you have to learn to pick your battles—if the kids are fed, bathed, well-rested, etc., the situation should probably just be left alone.

There are a few instances where you should step in.  This is if you feel the children are in harm’s way or are at risk of being hurt, injured, abused, etcetera.  This is obviously a time in which you—and your husband—should step in and talk to his ex, or, depending on the severity of the situation, call the proper authorities.

There are typically certain things that both parents NEED to agree on.  These typically involve things such as religion, education, and any extracurricular activities that may cost extra money for both parents.  These issues are typically—and should be—worked out during the divorce and put on the court order to ensure that there is a legally binding agreement between both parents about the things that are most important to them and their child.

Bedtimes, chores, and all those extra rules are not placed in a court order, but can sometimes be worked into a parenting plan.  Find out what your husband and his ex have written up in their parenting plan, and consider letting him know he has the option to make some changes on things if they are really important to him and concern the children’s health and well-being.  But otherwise, let it go unless it’s a serious issue—learning to pick your battles is one thing you will quickly learn to do when dealing with your significant other’s ex.

Q & A: What can we do about my boyfriend's ex-wife's abusive live-in boyfriend?

Q.  My boyfriend shares joint custody of his two children with his ex-wife.  His ex-wife recently hooked up with a boyfriend who now lives with her, and there have been stories told by the children about abusive discipline by the live-in boyfriend.  What can my boyfriend do in order to protect his children?

A.  First off, who is telling you the stories about the children?  The children themselves or just spiteful naysayers?  If the children themselves are stating the abuse is happening, it’s time to call Child Protection Services.  Once they interview your boyfriend and the kids, they can help you get an Emergency Order against his ex-wife which would give your boyfriend full custody of the children until the issue goes to court.  Having CPS and child evaluators on your side will help tremendously, as will any police reports of domestic abuse that may have occurred at her household.  The more proof and people you have behind you both on this will help a lot, so get as many witnesses, evaluators and written documents together as you can to help make your case for custody strong.

Q & A: Can my boyfriend get custody of his child since her mom is in jail?

Q. My boyfriend’s ex has custody of his daughter, and she was recently put in jail for selling drugs to an undercover cop.  While she’s in jail, child protection services has stepped in and has given temporary custody of his daughter to his ex’s brother.  After she leaves jail, CPS states that since his daughter was not around when the drug transaction was occurring, his daughter would be returning to her mom for custody.  I’m assuming now is the time for my boyfriend to step in and get custody of his daughter, but how would he go about this now that CPS still feels that she will be a “fit parent” after she leaves jail?

A.  CPS will almost always attempt to get the kids back with the mother regardless of what she has done.  This is the prejudice that exists in the system against men and for mothers.  It is important that your boyfriend file a Petition seeking full custody and primary care of the child, either by filing a Petition To Establish Parentage, or a Petition for Modification to the existing orders.

Time is of the essence.  Move quickly.  CPS will do something called a dependency hearing in which they will take control of the child because the mother cannot and get that child with another family member or, hopefully, with the father.  It’s important to move quickly as the state can place the child in foster care as well.  I’m certain you don’t want this!

Q & A: My boyfriend's ex-wife is not following the court ordered visitation schedule

Q.   My boyfriend has an ex-wife with whom he has a son with, and she lives about two hours away.  It is court-ordered that my boyfriend get his son every summer.  This puts a bind on him, however, since his job would force him to have to pay for daycare during the day while he’s working.  I work nights, and can watch his son during the day so that he doesn’t have to worry about making arrangements for daycare.  His ex-wife, however, refuses to let me watch her son, and would rather her son stay with her parents instead, who live in town with her and basically keeps my boyfriend from having any time with his son at all.  Does she have a right to pick who can watch her child even though it’s during the child’s father’s time with them?

A.  Unfortunately, it sounds as though the ex is being highly unreasonable.  If she has a real concern with her son being with you, that’s one thing, but she may just be doing it out of spite, anger, or resentment against your boyfriend.  You’re “the other woman” and maybe she is afraid that her son might get attached to you.  It might be best to sit and talk reasonably with her to find out her true concerns.

However, I think the biggest concern here is the violation of the court ordered agreement.  If they have it court-ordered that he gets his son during the summer, then she is basically neglecting to stick with that court order and could be considered in violation if she is trying to keep their son where she lives just because she doesn’t want you caring for her child out of spite.  If he were to get daycare for his son, would she insist on “approving” of them too?  If not, then it’s a situation of spite.  If so, then maybe she is overly concerned as to who is caring for her son outside of her home.

Q & A: Fiance's ex-girlfriend gave up rights of daughter to her parents, can he get his daughter back?

Q. My fiancé’s ex-girlfriend gave birth to his daughter while he was not around, and so his name is not on her birth certificate.  His ex-girlfriend gave over legal custody of his daughter to her parents, and they are now the legal guardians.  My fiancé wants custody (joint, full, whatever he can get) of his daughter.  Without his name on the birth certificate, what are his rights and how can he get his daughter back?

A.  It’s important to know that regardless of the situation with the grandparents, the courts will typically side with a biological parent taking care of the child.  This being said, the first step that needs to be taken in this situation would be to have your fiancé prove that he is indeed the father, regardless of what is stated on the birth certificate.  This can be done with a simple paternity test, which your fiancé could go to court and request legally.

Once paternity is established, then he would go to court against the grandparents.  In a situation like this, he could probably go for full since it sounds as though his ex-girlfriend doesn’t want much to do with the child already and/or feels like an incompetent or irresponsible parent already (maybe she’s young?).  In addition, since he’s your fiancé, he may fare better in court once you were married, as he could fight that the child would be entering a two-parent situation, a stable household and a two-income family.

Q & A: We're concerned about my fiance's ex and her abusive boyfriend's effect on his daughter!

Q.  My fiancé’s ex is living with an abusive boyfriend, and there is concern as to his daughter in that living situation.  She has full custody, but what can my fiancé do to make sure his daughter is safe and in a better living environment?

A. First off, call Child Protection Services.  It is better to be safe than sorry, and if there are signs or talk of abuse going on in a house with his daughter, action is needed.  Don’t be too quick to call CPS.  But remember, the more proof and better case that you have, the higher the odds of getting something done.  Remember, CPS is a governmental agency and, oftentimes, you’re getting into more than you bargained for—for example, the CPS can dig into an evaluation—including an evaluation of “your” living conditions and environment. Call them if there are signs or talk of abuse going on in a house with his daughter—in cases like this, action is needed for the safety of the child.

In addition to contacting Child Protection Services, your fiancé can also file an Emergency Order through the courts in order to obtain temporary full custody of the children until the issue goes to court.  But as outlined above, think in terms of “shock factor”—don’t go to court with frivolous BS or you will not be taken seriously in the future. By the time the issue gets to the courtroom, you should have additional information from Child Protection Services.  You can also see what you can find out along the line of any calls made to the police from her for abuse—if there is a police report stating they had gone to the house for a domestic abuse situation, then he’s got a strong case to get custody, even if it’s just for a little while.  But make the most of that time and fight for custody past the Emergency Order and into the future if you both feel she’s better off with you and your fiancé.

Q & A: My boyfriend's son doesn't like me!

Q. My boyfriend’s son from his previous marriage does not like me.  I know I’m not their stepmom by any means at this point in our relationship, but how do I get on his son’s “good side” so that he doesn’t say nasty things to my boyfriend’s ex which could cause her to start problems with their custody?

A.  This answer may be a little vague, considering the vague summary in question.  A lot of this may depend on his son’s age—are we talking about a teenager or a toddler?  If it’s a toddler, give it time.  If it’s a teenager, you can sit with his son and have a heart-to-heart talk.  There may be fears that the teenager has concerns about, such as not getting too close to you in case you end up not sticking around, which can cause more feelings of disappointment and detachment like he felt during your boyfriend’s last divorce.

Also, has the badmouthing about you already started, or are you just concerned that it may?  If it has already started, there’s not much you can do except talk to the child and let them know that they have been misinformed, or that they are mistaken about the topic in question.  If you need to, maybe all of you can sit down with the child and clear the air.  This would all, of course, depend on what is being said, the age of the child, and the specific situation that you and your boyfriend are dealing with. Most importantly, don’t push!  This never helps.

How the Fathers' Rights Protection System Benefits Everyone

I want to make something perfectly clear. I respect women. I wouldn't be where I am today without the love and support of the women I've known in various stages of my life, beginning with my mother. The work I do in helping you get custody of your children isn't about fighting women. It isn't a knock against motherhood. It's just about making sure that your kids have their father so that they don't grow up to be one of those scary statistics we've talked about before.

And you know something? A majority of the people that join my membership program and consult with me over the phone are women! These ladies purchased my Fathers' Rights Protection System or membership because the court system is so screwed up. They figured that if my approach works that it would help the men in their lives with their child support and visitation problems too.

The Fathers Rights Protection System is not only beneficial to fathers negotiating the legal system, any parent's rights can be compromised unjustly. Katie DeMuth is a mother who was in the exact situation that you are in: her custodial rights were in danger of being denied thanks to the lies of her spouse.

I was almost positive that my husband would gain the 'upper hand.' The Protection System told me what other people have done in similar situations. I copied their success methods, filled out the necessary paper work, stood before the judge, received a signed court order and all of this was accomplished in ONE day. I now realize that it doesn't have to be as complicated as we're all led to believe. With the knowledge presented in your system, I now understand exactly what the judge is looking for. I can prepare and feel confident to represent myself at my next hearing or can guide my attorney better if I should choose to get one.

I take all matters of parental rights very seriously. I have developed a system that helps any parent protect themselves and their children from injustice.

For more information on the Fathers' Rights Protection System, visit http://www.fathershelphotline.com or, if you are a woman seeking help for the man in your life (husband, brother, friend) with his fathers' rights issues, visit http://www.women4fathersrights.com for a free download!

Looking for a list of child abuse and child neglect laws and statutes in your state?

Look no futher!  Here is a wonderful resource for those of you that are putting together legal documentation on someone who is involved in child abuse or child neglect.  No matter what state you are in, you can check out this state statute lookup resource by ChildWelfare.gov--it is a great way to get the exact statutes and laws that protect children as far as who can report child abuse, what records can be made available for those investigating child abuse reports, etcetera.  Pass it on to anyone you might know who may need this for their pro se legal battles!

Also, there will soon be a new eBook from the National Brotherhood of Fathers' Rights--"A Fathers' Rights Guide to False Allegations of Abuse," which will cover the dos and don't's when falsely accused of child abuse, domestic abuse, or neglect.  It will be avialable soon through fathershelphotline.com!

Custody Hurts the Grandparents, Too!

There was an article posted on The Observer in regards to a recent article about fathers' rights.  One woman posted a quick recap of her issues with her son's inability to get custody of his own son:

Last week, I received a telephone call from a policewoman threatening me with arrest. My crime? Sending three cards to my grandson telling him I love him. He had his third birthday last week and as my son's former partner will not allow me to see him I put birthday wishes in our local newspaper. My son is fighting through the family courts to regain the access he had with his son until March this year but he still is not seeing his little boy.

My son's ex-partner saw my cards as harassment. Don't you think the police have more important things to do than threaten a 67-year-old grandmother?

Sad, but true--situations like this happen all the time.

Read more from others on equal parenting time at The Observer.