Q & A: My fiance's ex-girlfriend tells her son to lie and keep secrets--what can we do about this behavior?

Q.  My fiancé and his ex-girlfriend have joint custody of their son.  His ex is way more lenient about a lot of things at the house, and knows that my fiancé does not agree with this.  We have found out that she takes his son to McDonald’s before dropping him off at our place for dinner just to please him, knowing that it will upset my fiancé, so she tells her son to keep it a secret from him.  She does this with a lot of things, and his poor son breaks down and tells us these things anyway and says that he doesn’t like keeping these secrets.  What can we do about this?

A.  First off, have your fiancé encourage his son to tell his mom he doesn’t like keeping these secrets—or any secrets, for that matter—from his dad.  This lets his son know that he does not need to be the mediator, messenger, or “secret holder” for each parent.  What this ends up doing is leading to parental alienation, which can cause the child to pull from one child towards another, thus allowing one parent to use the child as a pawn against the other.

Second, sit down with your fiancé and talk to the ex.  Let her know that her son has not been keeping these secrets and that you’re proud of him for knowing that it wasn’t right and speaking up.  Kindly remind her that these secrets do nothing but hurt others, including their son.

Another thing to consider, as well, is that these kinds of activities tend to start up before a parent starts fighting for more custody.  She may be trying to use her son and essentially bribe him toward her and away from his father in order to get him to favor her in court, possibly in order to get her son to say he’d rather be with his mom, mainly because she’s “more fun” than living at your home where certain rules exist, such as chores, bedtimes, and responsibilities.  Keep an eye on her actions to ensure this is not what she is trying to set up.

Q&A: My Boyfriend's Ex Ran Off with His Two Children, and We Cannot Find Her!

Q. My boyfriend’s ex ran off with his two children, and we cannot find her or contact her.  How can I help him?

A.  When your boyfriend’s children are missing, it can be a very stressful and concerning time.  But there are a few steps you need to take before taking action.

First off, it is important that you check the actual court order that is in place.  If his ex has full-custody of the children and has the right to leave the area without permission, then she is technically not violating the court order.  However, if there is any concern for the health or well-being of the children, then by all means, contact law enforcement immediately.

If your boyfriend’s ex is indeed violating a court order (say, for instance, your boyfriend has full custody and it was her weekend to spend with the kids and she never returned), then it is important that you notify law enforcement immediately.  Chances are, they will help him find his ex and their children, and in some cases, depending on what is going on, your boyfriend can file an emergency order to obtain full custody of the children if their lives were at risk or there was the possibility of his ex causing harm to the children.  Depending on the circumstances involved, she could be charged with kidnapping and prosecuted accordingly.

If anything, it is a good idea to have a police report of the incident in the event it occurs again or the issue ends up going to court.  This can—or rather, WILL—help your boyfriend’s case down the road if he tries to get full custody of the children.

Another very important factor if he was not married to her is that your boyfriend needs to establish himself as the father with a full set of parental rights.  I’m not talking only about having his name on the birth certificate, I’m talking about going to court and filing a Petition for Parentage and establishing—with an order signed off on by a Judge—a court order which gives him decision-making capabilities.  Then, and only then, will he have “standing” in the case.  He has got to make this happen to help enforce his rights as a father.

--Dennis Gac, Creator of the National Brotherhood of Fathers' Rights