Q & A: My fiance's ex-girlfriend tells her son to lie and keep secrets--what can we do about this behavior?

Q.  My fiancé and his ex-girlfriend have joint custody of their son.  His ex is way more lenient about a lot of things at the house, and knows that my fiancé does not agree with this.  We have found out that she takes his son to McDonald’s before dropping him off at our place for dinner just to please him, knowing that it will upset my fiancé, so she tells her son to keep it a secret from him.  She does this with a lot of things, and his poor son breaks down and tells us these things anyway and says that he doesn’t like keeping these secrets.  What can we do about this?

A.  First off, have your fiancé encourage his son to tell his mom he doesn’t like keeping these secrets—or any secrets, for that matter—from his dad.  This lets his son know that he does not need to be the mediator, messenger, or “secret holder” for each parent.  What this ends up doing is leading to parental alienation, which can cause the child to pull from one child towards another, thus allowing one parent to use the child as a pawn against the other.

Second, sit down with your fiancé and talk to the ex.  Let her know that her son has not been keeping these secrets and that you’re proud of him for knowing that it wasn’t right and speaking up.  Kindly remind her that these secrets do nothing but hurt others, including their son.

Another thing to consider, as well, is that these kinds of activities tend to start up before a parent starts fighting for more custody.  She may be trying to use her son and essentially bribe him toward her and away from his father in order to get him to favor her in court, possibly in order to get her son to say he’d rather be with his mom, mainly because she’s “more fun” than living at your home where certain rules exist, such as chores, bedtimes, and responsibilities.  Keep an eye on her actions to ensure this is not what she is trying to set up.