Q & A: Can my boyfriend and his ex work out a parenting plan for custody and visitation without going through the court system?

Q.  My boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend have a child together.  Even though they broke up before their son was born, they have always worked well together, come to agreement on any issues, and have never argued about money or child support.  They never took each other to court for custody, and agree on a joint custody arrangement, splitting everything half and half.  However, I want to make sure my boyfriend is protected and has some sort of legal rights.  Neither party has the money to hire an attorney.  Can they write up a parenting agreement, have it signed and notarized, and have it hold up in court if there was ever an issue?  How can they make a legally binding parental agreement without dragging in expensive lawyers and legal assistance?

A.  Yes, they can definitely do this on their own without hiring on an attorney or lawyer.  They can work together to write up what’s called a “parenting plan” that they both agree on, that they both feel works for them and their son. Other paperwork regarding paternity is “required” as well. They can either do this with a mediator in the family courts and have it entered in as a court order, or they can write it on their own, have it signed and notarized by both of them, and also have that entered into the court.  That way, the document is legally binding and then they must follow the parenting plan or else the other parent could take the issue to court and fight for custody of their son.

Q & A: What can we do about my boyfriend's ex-wife's abusive live-in boyfriend?

Q.  My boyfriend shares joint custody of his two children with his ex-wife.  His ex-wife recently hooked up with a boyfriend who now lives with her, and there have been stories told by the children about abusive discipline by the live-in boyfriend.  What can my boyfriend do in order to protect his children?

A.  First off, who is telling you the stories about the children?  The children themselves or just spiteful naysayers?  If the children themselves are stating the abuse is happening, it’s time to call Child Protection Services.  Once they interview your boyfriend and the kids, they can help you get an Emergency Order against his ex-wife which would give your boyfriend full custody of the children until the issue goes to court.  Having CPS and child evaluators on your side will help tremendously, as will any police reports of domestic abuse that may have occurred at her household.  The more proof and people you have behind you both on this will help a lot, so get as many witnesses, evaluators and written documents together as you can to help make your case for custody strong.

Q & A: Can my fiance take his ex-wife back to modify their child support if income changes?

Q.  My fiancé has joint custody of his three children with his ex-wife.  Even though they share the children 50/50, he is paying almost $900 a month for financial child support.  His ex-wife makes three times the amount of income he does.  Can he take the issue back to court to have the child support refigured?   Could she quite possibly be paying HIM child support due to her high income?

A.  When your fiancé and his ex-wife got a divorce, chances are, these arrangements were made in their divorce decree and the child support arrangements were taken care of then as well.  The most important thing to consider is what they were both making at the time of the divorce.  During a divorce, the income of each parent is put together to figure out who pays whom, how much each parent pays, and all of this is relative to the income and lifestyle that the children and other parent enjoyed while being married.

If it’s been a few years and incomes have changed, your fiancé can definitely take the issue back to court for what’s called “child support modification.”  At this court date, the judge will consider how much each parent makes NOW and what is in the best interest of the children.  If the payments that your fiancé is making to his ex-wife are causing undue hardships and straining his financial situation, chances are his child support payments will be lowered, based on his ex-wife’s current income alone.  In fact, with 50/50 custody, she may end up paying him, depending on how the court determines the child support in your state.

Q & A: Can my boyfriend get custody of his child since her mom is in jail?

Q. My boyfriend’s ex has custody of his daughter, and she was recently put in jail for selling drugs to an undercover cop.  While she’s in jail, child protection services has stepped in and has given temporary custody of his daughter to his ex’s brother.  After she leaves jail, CPS states that since his daughter was not around when the drug transaction was occurring, his daughter would be returning to her mom for custody.  I’m assuming now is the time for my boyfriend to step in and get custody of his daughter, but how would he go about this now that CPS still feels that she will be a “fit parent” after she leaves jail?

A.  CPS will almost always attempt to get the kids back with the mother regardless of what she has done.  This is the prejudice that exists in the system against men and for mothers.  It is important that your boyfriend file a Petition seeking full custody and primary care of the child, either by filing a Petition To Establish Parentage, or a Petition for Modification to the existing orders.

Time is of the essence.  Move quickly.  CPS will do something called a dependency hearing in which they will take control of the child because the mother cannot and get that child with another family member or, hopefully, with the father.  It’s important to move quickly as the state can place the child in foster care as well.  I’m certain you don’t want this!

Q & A: Fiance's ex-girlfriend gave up rights of daughter to her parents, can he get his daughter back?

Q. My fiancé’s ex-girlfriend gave birth to his daughter while he was not around, and so his name is not on her birth certificate.  His ex-girlfriend gave over legal custody of his daughter to her parents, and they are now the legal guardians.  My fiancé wants custody (joint, full, whatever he can get) of his daughter.  Without his name on the birth certificate, what are his rights and how can he get his daughter back?

A.  It’s important to know that regardless of the situation with the grandparents, the courts will typically side with a biological parent taking care of the child.  This being said, the first step that needs to be taken in this situation would be to have your fiancé prove that he is indeed the father, regardless of what is stated on the birth certificate.  This can be done with a simple paternity test, which your fiancé could go to court and request legally.

Once paternity is established, then he would go to court against the grandparents.  In a situation like this, he could probably go for full since it sounds as though his ex-girlfriend doesn’t want much to do with the child already and/or feels like an incompetent or irresponsible parent already (maybe she’s young?).  In addition, since he’s your fiancé, he may fare better in court once you were married, as he could fight that the child would be entering a two-parent situation, a stable household and a two-income family.

Q & A: Can my husband get custody of his kids if there are signs and reasons to believe child neglect?

Q.  My husband’s ex-wife has full custody of his two children, but we have been getting wind of some issues going on at her house that are causing reason for concern—the kids are mentioning situations that reflect child neglect, and she even sends them over without underwear because she says she cannot afford them.  They also talk about eating junk food all day, fast food for dinner, going to bed whenever they want (sometimes past midnight!) and they are struggling in school.  My husband has talked to his ex about his concerns, but she blows them off and laughs.  Can my husband get custody of the children because of these reasons?

A.  Yes!  He CAN get custody of the kids because of these reasons, and if he’s dealing with an ex that treats her children’s problems with laughter, he will definitely come across to the courts as the more caring, concerned parent in this situation.  This is not, however, a simple situation and this is not a cut and dry answer. You need to think in terms of “shock” factor when going to court.  The situation must be severe in order to get the judge to actually do something. Remember, family court is very “pro-mother,” so a father really does have to have a great case to win.

Before taking the issue to court, however, it is best that you do a little background work.  Keep a document on your computer where you keep track of when you have the children, what they say, what the ex-wife says, and any other notes or reasons for concern.  Do this for a few months until your husband has a plethora of ammunition against her.  This file can hold up in court as documentation of day-to-day occurrences of such situations.  Constant contact with day-care providers, teachers, and other important figures in his children’s lives should also be fostered on a regular basis—the more these people see the father, the more likely they are to testify for him in the courtroom.

Also, if there is concern for neglect (depending on the severity, it wasn’t stated here), you can call Child Protection Services to check out the situation, or if you have witnesses of such neglect, they may be able to sign written statements to the fact in order to take it to court and file an emergency order against his ex-wife.

Q & A: My boyfriend's son doesn't like me!

Q. My boyfriend’s son from his previous marriage does not like me.  I know I’m not their stepmom by any means at this point in our relationship, but how do I get on his son’s “good side” so that he doesn’t say nasty things to my boyfriend’s ex which could cause her to start problems with their custody?

A.  This answer may be a little vague, considering the vague summary in question.  A lot of this may depend on his son’s age—are we talking about a teenager or a toddler?  If it’s a toddler, give it time.  If it’s a teenager, you can sit with his son and have a heart-to-heart talk.  There may be fears that the teenager has concerns about, such as not getting too close to you in case you end up not sticking around, which can cause more feelings of disappointment and detachment like he felt during your boyfriend’s last divorce.

Also, has the badmouthing about you already started, or are you just concerned that it may?  If it has already started, there’s not much you can do except talk to the child and let them know that they have been misinformed, or that they are mistaken about the topic in question.  If you need to, maybe all of you can sit down with the child and clear the air.  This would all, of course, depend on what is being said, the age of the child, and the specific situation that you and your boyfriend are dealing with. Most importantly, don’t push!  This never helps.

Q & A: Can I pick up my husband's daughter for his scheduled visitation time?

Q.  My husband’s ex has full custody of his daughter, but he does get to pick her up for his visitation rights every other weekend.  Sometimes he has to work overtime for his work and cannot go pick up his daughter from his ex-wife’s house.  Can I “legally” pick up his daughter for his visitation time?  I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes and cause a problem that can get him in trouble with the law.

A. You are “not” able to pick up the child for visitation purposes unless you have permission of, of course, your husband and the child’s mother. Usually the court will interpret an order as the father having visitation and will allow him to appoint someone to pick up and drop off the child; however, it is “his” visitation and if he cannot be there for any of the time because he is working then, no, the mother does not have to comply with this.  If, on the other hand, the father cannot commit to transportation because of work, but will be there for the visitation, then the mother would have to comply.

Custody Hurts the Grandparents, Too!

There was an article posted on The Observer in regards to a recent article about fathers' rights.  One woman posted a quick recap of her issues with her son's inability to get custody of his own son:

Last week, I received a telephone call from a policewoman threatening me with arrest. My crime? Sending three cards to my grandson telling him I love him. He had his third birthday last week and as my son's former partner will not allow me to see him I put birthday wishes in our local newspaper. My son is fighting through the family courts to regain the access he had with his son until March this year but he still is not seeing his little boy.

My son's ex-partner saw my cards as harassment. Don't you think the police have more important things to do than threaten a 67-year-old grandmother?

Sad, but true--situations like this happen all the time.

Read more from others on equal parenting time at The Observer.

Q&A: My fiance technically has joint physical custody regardless of court ordered weekends--can he eliminate his child support?

Q. My fiancé has, over time, spent more and more time with his children, even though the court ordered agreement with his ex-wife states that he has the children every other weekend. Since his ex has changed jobs, my fiancé has agreed to watch them during the hours she works so she doesn’t have to pay for daycare. The hours he has the children equal to about half the time, or joint custody, yet he’s been paying her hundreds of dollars in child support each month since she has “full custody.” Can he take this to court and have custody changed, or even just his child support obligations?

A. Your fiancé can definitely have his custody arrangement changed. In fact, he could even go for full custody if he wants, but it will take some hard work and perseverance on his part. But to start, he could take the custody arrangement to court for joint. It’s a good idea that he keep track of when he has the kids, how much he is spending to care for them while they are at his house, etc. A few months’ worth of paperwork should be sufficient enough to take to court. All of this documentation will be used to demonstrate that there has been a “substantial change in circumstances” which warrants a change the current orders. This proof is very important. Without a change in circumstances, technically, you are not able to ask for a change to the orders.

Once in court, he can fight for joint custody, which will significantly lower his child support. In some cases, no one will end up paying child support at all since the custody is 50/50. One parent may be responsible for making the day-to-day decisions though, so that is something to fight for even during a joint custody arrangement.

Also, what happens if your fiancé ends up having to put the children in actual daycare? Who should pay for that? Should it be 50/50? These are the kinds of arrangements and parenting plans that should be considered when taking it to court. You can find out more about making a solid parenting plan that works by checking out the Fathers Rights Protection System.

A Dad With a Broken Heart

Ryan Randles recently posted a video statement to his children--his wife was able to terminate his rights as a father, and his heartbroken plea to his children.  If this doesn't pull on your heartstrings, I don't know what will.

This is what the court system is doing to fathers--hurting them through terminating their rights to visitation or custody of their kids.  Don't let this happen to the man in your life.  Stand up WITH your man and support him through the hard times as well as the good times.

Q&A: Why does my boyfriend help out his ex financially, even though he already pays his ex child support?

Q.  Why does my boyfriend help out his ex financially, even though he already pays his ex child support for their daughter?  She’s constantly asking him for money, outside of the funds he pays her each month in child support.

A.  Why does he do it?  Probably out of guilt for not being a part of the child’s life on a day to day basis. Also, at times the mother may guilt him into paying more. But, the answer is something that needs to come from him directly.  Part of it may be that he feels the child support isn’t enough; but doubtful if this is the case!  Is his ex-wife asking for help in buying items for their daughter, or is she asking him for gas money or money for utilities?  If she’s asking for things that directly (and somewhat indirectly) affect his daughter, he may be giving her the money to make sure his daughter is taken care of, especially if she has fully custody.

If he’s going to be attempting to obtain full joint or full custody of his daughter, he may be doing it to document and then show the courts later that he has been fulfilling his financial responsibility—and then some—and can help him show that he is financially better off to care for their daughter, thus giving him a chance at a better custody arrangement. [Oftentimes, though, the courts could care less about how much money the Father pays. The Mother in the courts eyes, “is” the primary caretaker.  Make sure your guy doesn’t overpay, as this isn’t going to make a difference regarding custody.]

But honestly, the reason why he is doing it could be three-fold, and the only way to find out for sure his reasons behind the generosity is to ask him.  If he hasn’t considered gaining custody of his daughter, and if his reasons for financially supporting his ex is in order to make sure his daughter’s needs are taken care of, then maybe it’s time you talk to him about considering taking the issue back to court so that he can gain more custody of his daughter and be more actively involved in her life and caretaking. Just make sure that his extra expenditure does not adversely affect your family.

Q&A: My Boyfriend's Ex Ran Off with His Two Children, and We Cannot Find Her!

Q. My boyfriend’s ex ran off with his two children, and we cannot find her or contact her.  How can I help him?

A.  When your boyfriend’s children are missing, it can be a very stressful and concerning time.  But there are a few steps you need to take before taking action.

First off, it is important that you check the actual court order that is in place.  If his ex has full-custody of the children and has the right to leave the area without permission, then she is technically not violating the court order.  However, if there is any concern for the health or well-being of the children, then by all means, contact law enforcement immediately.

If your boyfriend’s ex is indeed violating a court order (say, for instance, your boyfriend has full custody and it was her weekend to spend with the kids and she never returned), then it is important that you notify law enforcement immediately.  Chances are, they will help him find his ex and their children, and in some cases, depending on what is going on, your boyfriend can file an emergency order to obtain full custody of the children if their lives were at risk or there was the possibility of his ex causing harm to the children.  Depending on the circumstances involved, she could be charged with kidnapping and prosecuted accordingly.

If anything, it is a good idea to have a police report of the incident in the event it occurs again or the issue ends up going to court.  This can—or rather, WILL—help your boyfriend’s case down the road if he tries to get full custody of the children.

Another very important factor if he was not married to her is that your boyfriend needs to establish himself as the father with a full set of parental rights.  I’m not talking only about having his name on the birth certificate, I’m talking about going to court and filing a Petition for Parentage and establishing—with an order signed off on by a Judge—a court order which gives him decision-making capabilities.  Then, and only then, will he have “standing” in the case.  He has got to make this happen to help enforce his rights as a father.

--Dennis Gac, Creator of the National Brotherhood of Fathers' Rights

How to Help the Man in Your Life With His Fathers' Rights Issues

Does your boyfriend, fiancé, son, or grandson seem to have his life together in every way except for his custody and child support issues? Has it become increasingly difficult for him to make any headway in his case? Has he become more hopeless in his quest to get fair treatment by the courts and from his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend? If you have answered "yes" to any of these questions, the situation is not hopeless and there are many things that you can do to be a positive influence in this negative situation.

Your guy's ex-wife or ex-girlfriend probably has custody of his children, controls his visitation times, and demands increasingly unreasonable amounts of money from him, all while making him feel like a "dead-beat dad" when nothing could be further from the truth. Everything is going so well in every other aspect of your relationship and in his life; it becomes even harder to see your guy so miserable when really it is not his fault.

Many women who are in your situation don't know what to do, but they also don't know if it is even okay for them to get involved in any way at all. I am here to tell you that while you probably cannot be a decision maker in his case, it is crucial for you to take an active interest in your man's case. While you cannot legally do anything to help out your guy, you can be proactive when he just feels insecure and scared. When he is feeling this way, you can have a dramatic positive influence in just supporting him and making sure he gets all the information he needs to be successful and also to make sure he doesn't give up when he feels hopeless.

You see, fathers' rights are not just for and about fathers--they're YOUR rights, too.  If a father in your life has restricted access to his kids, so do you. If he's paying through the nose for child support even though his income has dropped, that affects you, too. His stress and feeling of powerlessness directly affects your quality of life as a couple. Now is the time to take back some of the power his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend has taken away from him and from you, if you are the girlfriend, fiancé, or spouse. Maybe he's even facing false allegations from his ex.  Many will exaggerate or downright lie in order to get more child support or limit the child custody as a power play. The courts are favorably disposed toward mothers and the ex-wives and ex-girlfriends that know that can take advantage of it.

This is where most fathers fail; they don't want to get involved when they think that they might lose or when they see their kids being hurt. What they need to realize is by not being in their children's lives, they will hurt their children more in the future by being absent as a positive and loving figure in their lives. This is where you can really do the most good. Support and research is where you can make the most difference in his life, so make sure that you have the information and support that you need to succeed.

A great place to learn about how to be there for your man during his fathers' rights battle is by checking into the Women for Fathers' Rights eBook, available through http://www.women4fathersrights.com, or through the link below.  What do you have to lose?  Show your support and give guidance to the man in your life fighting for his rights to see his children and be a part of their life!

Welcome to the Women for Fathers' Rights Blog!

Thank you for visiting the Women for Fathers' Rights Blog!  It is so important that women help the men in their lives with their fathers' rights issues, whether it be your husband, your fiancé, your brother, son or grandson.  The family court system is set up to favor mothers, setting men up for failure when it comes to divorce and child custody.  But women all over the United States are stepping up to the plate and supporting those they love with their fathers' rights issues.  Now, more than ever, fathers are getting custody of their children, increasing their visitation, and are getting to spend time with their children no matter what their current status with their children's mother.

If you are wife, sister, mother, friend or any other woman looking to help a man in your life with his child custody and fathers' rights issues, this is the blog to follow!  We will continually post new, up-to-date information on the changing custody arrangements allowed in family law, tips and techniques to assist your man with his battle in the courtroom, and even common questions and answers that arise from being the woman in their lives battling for their rights to be a dad.

We hope you continue to visit this blog, and follow it regularly to ensure you have the latest information and the positive techniques and tricks that you can use in order to help your man succeed in the courtroom and get the chance to enjoy fatherhood to its fullest!