Q & A: Is there a way to document where my fiance's ex-wife's child support is going? It seems to be going towards her frivolous lifestyle!

Q. My fiancé’s ex-wife continually complains about not having enough money to buy necessary things for their children, but yet she is constantly talking about her new clothes, just purchased a new car, and comes over with perfectly manicured nails.  It’s obvious that the child support my fiancé is paying to her to help take care of their two children is not going where it needs to go.  Can we take her to court to find out how exactly she’s using the child support?  Can we make her document where the money is going?

A.  This is a tough question. You would think that you can take the mother to court to ask for an accounting of how her money has been spent; however, the courts—mainly due to laziness—typically do not want to get into “how” the money is spent.  Unless you can demonstrate a really severe situation in which the kids are really suffering (such as starving, malnutrition, etcetera), you’re going to be hard-pressed to make her cough up an accounting of her expenditures.   I know that this burns you, but these are just the facts, Ma’am!

Q & A: My husband is ready to go to court to fight for custody of his children. What should he do now to prepare?

Q.  My husband is planning to go to court to fight for full custody of his two daughters from his ex-girlfriend, with whom they’ve just shared without any legal arrangement.  What things should he do now before he takes this to court to set him up for success?

A.  There are a number of things that your husband can do to help set himself up for success inside the courtroom for full custody.  If him and his ex are currently utilizing a 50/50 setup that has been considered “working” for them, chances are, the judge in a courtroom will state that 50/50 is best for the children and place a court order for exactly what they’re doing now.

Typically, when you’re going to court for a change in custody of children (in most cases, a child custody modification from when an original order was put in place), there typically needs to be some change that has happened, a “substantial change in circumstances.”  This could mean there has been a change in one parent’s income, emotional status, mental capabilities to care for the child, and so on.  If your husband just wants a legally binding document stating his rights as a father, that’s one thing, but if he feels there is a need to be the sole custodial parent of his daughter, that’s another.

Of course, when it goes into the courtroom, he could fight that he is married (assuming his ex is not), has a stable household, etcetera, etcetera.  However, there are a few things that he can do to set himself up quite nicely with the custody evaluators, who can sometimes be the decision-makers as to which household is better set up for full custody of the child.  Make sure your husband is the one that makes the children meals, takes them to school and daycare and brings them home, participates in their extracurricular activities, takes them to their doctor’s appointments, and so on.  This way, when it comes to who does the day-to-day activities in the house, it’s not you—it’s him, and that will help him shine in the courtroom!

Also, it is so very important that he have great connections with the people involved with his children—their doctor, day-care providers, teachers, their friends and their friends’ parents, and other people who play a big part in his child’s life.  This way, if he ever needs written recommendations or statements from them for court, he’ll have a huge group of people behind him 100% offering their observations to the judge.

Q & A: My husband's ex keeps disappointing my step-daughter--what can we do about the emotional stress she's enduring due to her mom's actions?

Q.  My husband and I have full custody of his daughter.  Although her mom lives in town and could see her whenever she wants, the phone calls to come get her and spend time with her are few and far between.  When she does say she’s going to pick her up for an outing, she gets so excited to see her, but then her mom never shows up.  It’s a constant disappointment for her, and we’re the ones trying to comfort her and encourage her not to feel bad about her mom.  How long can we do this?  Can we take this to court and have her rights to see her taken away due to the fact that she is causing emotional distress on their daughter?

A.  Firstly, you just abide by the court order and the visitation outlined therein; however, we can often apply a rule called “Laches.”  I typically call this the “if you don’t use it, you lose it rule”.  You see, if the mother has made a consistent pattern of being inconsistent and this is disappointing the child, then you and your husband are within your rights to deny access as long as you are in the process of going to court to modify the current orders and limit the mother’s access to supervised visitation. Remember, your case must be strong!  You really do need a documented pattern over a long period of time to modify this effectively and successfully through the courts—whenever she says she’ll be there and does not follow through, document the date and information, including how your daughter felt when the situation occurred.  Documentation like this over a period of time is sufficient proof of emotional distress to your step-daughter.

Q & A: Fiance's ex-girlfriend gave up rights of daughter to her parents, can he get his daughter back?

Q. My fiancé’s ex-girlfriend gave birth to his daughter while he was not around, and so his name is not on her birth certificate.  His ex-girlfriend gave over legal custody of his daughter to her parents, and they are now the legal guardians.  My fiancé wants custody (joint, full, whatever he can get) of his daughter.  Without his name on the birth certificate, what are his rights and how can he get his daughter back?

A.  It’s important to know that regardless of the situation with the grandparents, the courts will typically side with a biological parent taking care of the child.  This being said, the first step that needs to be taken in this situation would be to have your fiancé prove that he is indeed the father, regardless of what is stated on the birth certificate.  This can be done with a simple paternity test, which your fiancé could go to court and request legally.

Once paternity is established, then he would go to court against the grandparents.  In a situation like this, he could probably go for full since it sounds as though his ex-girlfriend doesn’t want much to do with the child already and/or feels like an incompetent or irresponsible parent already (maybe she’s young?).  In addition, since he’s your fiancé, he may fare better in court once you were married, as he could fight that the child would be entering a two-parent situation, a stable household and a two-income family.

Q & A: Can my husband get custody of his kids if there are signs and reasons to believe child neglect?

Q.  My husband’s ex-wife has full custody of his two children, but we have been getting wind of some issues going on at her house that are causing reason for concern—the kids are mentioning situations that reflect child neglect, and she even sends them over without underwear because she says she cannot afford them.  They also talk about eating junk food all day, fast food for dinner, going to bed whenever they want (sometimes past midnight!) and they are struggling in school.  My husband has talked to his ex about his concerns, but she blows them off and laughs.  Can my husband get custody of the children because of these reasons?

A.  Yes!  He CAN get custody of the kids because of these reasons, and if he’s dealing with an ex that treats her children’s problems with laughter, he will definitely come across to the courts as the more caring, concerned parent in this situation.  This is not, however, a simple situation and this is not a cut and dry answer. You need to think in terms of “shock” factor when going to court.  The situation must be severe in order to get the judge to actually do something. Remember, family court is very “pro-mother,” so a father really does have to have a great case to win.

Before taking the issue to court, however, it is best that you do a little background work.  Keep a document on your computer where you keep track of when you have the children, what they say, what the ex-wife says, and any other notes or reasons for concern.  Do this for a few months until your husband has a plethora of ammunition against her.  This file can hold up in court as documentation of day-to-day occurrences of such situations.  Constant contact with day-care providers, teachers, and other important figures in his children’s lives should also be fostered on a regular basis—the more these people see the father, the more likely they are to testify for him in the courtroom.

Also, if there is concern for neglect (depending on the severity, it wasn’t stated here), you can call Child Protection Services to check out the situation, or if you have witnesses of such neglect, they may be able to sign written statements to the fact in order to take it to court and file an emergency order against his ex-wife.

Q & A: Can I pick up my husband's daughter for his scheduled visitation time?

Q.  My husband’s ex has full custody of his daughter, but he does get to pick her up for his visitation rights every other weekend.  Sometimes he has to work overtime for his work and cannot go pick up his daughter from his ex-wife’s house.  Can I “legally” pick up his daughter for his visitation time?  I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes and cause a problem that can get him in trouble with the law.

A. You are “not” able to pick up the child for visitation purposes unless you have permission of, of course, your husband and the child’s mother. Usually the court will interpret an order as the father having visitation and will allow him to appoint someone to pick up and drop off the child; however, it is “his” visitation and if he cannot be there for any of the time because he is working then, no, the mother does not have to comply with this.  If, on the other hand, the father cannot commit to transportation because of work, but will be there for the visitation, then the mother would have to comply.

How the Fathers' Rights Protection System Benefits Everyone

I want to make something perfectly clear. I respect women. I wouldn't be where I am today without the love and support of the women I've known in various stages of my life, beginning with my mother. The work I do in helping you get custody of your children isn't about fighting women. It isn't a knock against motherhood. It's just about making sure that your kids have their father so that they don't grow up to be one of those scary statistics we've talked about before.

And you know something? A majority of the people that join my membership program and consult with me over the phone are women! These ladies purchased my Fathers' Rights Protection System or membership because the court system is so screwed up. They figured that if my approach works that it would help the men in their lives with their child support and visitation problems too.

The Fathers Rights Protection System is not only beneficial to fathers negotiating the legal system, any parent's rights can be compromised unjustly. Katie DeMuth is a mother who was in the exact situation that you are in: her custodial rights were in danger of being denied thanks to the lies of her spouse.

I was almost positive that my husband would gain the 'upper hand.' The Protection System told me what other people have done in similar situations. I copied their success methods, filled out the necessary paper work, stood before the judge, received a signed court order and all of this was accomplished in ONE day. I now realize that it doesn't have to be as complicated as we're all led to believe. With the knowledge presented in your system, I now understand exactly what the judge is looking for. I can prepare and feel confident to represent myself at my next hearing or can guide my attorney better if I should choose to get one.

I take all matters of parental rights very seriously. I have developed a system that helps any parent protect themselves and their children from injustice.

For more information on the Fathers' Rights Protection System, visit http://www.fathershelphotline.com or, if you are a woman seeking help for the man in your life (husband, brother, friend) with his fathers' rights issues, visit http://www.women4fathersrights.com for a free download!

Custody Hurts the Grandparents, Too!

There was an article posted on The Observer in regards to a recent article about fathers' rights.  One woman posted a quick recap of her issues with her son's inability to get custody of his own son:

Last week, I received a telephone call from a policewoman threatening me with arrest. My crime? Sending three cards to my grandson telling him I love him. He had his third birthday last week and as my son's former partner will not allow me to see him I put birthday wishes in our local newspaper. My son is fighting through the family courts to regain the access he had with his son until March this year but he still is not seeing his little boy.

My son's ex-partner saw my cards as harassment. Don't you think the police have more important things to do than threaten a 67-year-old grandmother?

Sad, but true--situations like this happen all the time.

Read more from others on equal parenting time at The Observer.

Lyrics of "Every Other Weekend" From Reba McEntire and Kenny Chesney

Just a little song to help understand the pain and love that surrounds switching off the kids "Every Other Weekend."  This is a song by Reba McEntire and Kenny Chesney.

Every Other Weekend 
Reba McEntire and Kenny Chesney

(Reba)
Every Other Friday
It's toys and clothes and backpacks
Is everybody in?
Ok lets go see dad
Same time in the same spot
Corner of the same old parking lot
Half the hugs and kisses
There are always sad
We trade a couple words and looks and kids again
Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)
Every Other Weekend
Very few exceptions
I pick up the love we made in both my arms
It's movies on the sofa
Grilled cheese and cut the crust off
"But that's not the way mom makes it daddy" breaks my heart
I miss everything I use to have with her again
Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)
But I can't tell her I love her

(Reba)
I can't tell him I love him

(Kenny)
Cause there's too many questions and

(Both)
Ears in the car

(Reba)
So I don't tell him I miss him

(Kenny)
I don't tell her I need her

(Both)
She's(He's) over me, that's where we are

(Kenny)
So we're as close as we might ever be again

(Both)
Every Other Weekend

(Reba)
Every Other Saturday
First thing in the mornin'
I turn the TV on to make the quiet go away
I know why, but I don't know why
We ever let this happen
Filling for forever was a big mistake
There's so much not to do, and all day not to do it in
Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)
Every Other Sunday
I empty out my backseat
While my children hug their mother in the parking lot
We don't touch
We don't talk much
Maybe goodbye to each other
Then she drives away with every piece of heart I've got
I reconvince myself we did the right thing
Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)
So I can't tell her I love her

(Reba)
I can't tell him I love him

(Kenny)
Cause there's too many questions and

(Both)
Ears in the car

(Reba)
So I don't tell him I miss him

(Kenny)
I don't tell her I need her

(Both)
She's(He's) over me, that's where we are

(Kenny)
So we're as close as we might ever be again

(Both)
Every Other Weekend

(Kenny)
Yeah for fifteen minutes we're a family again

(Reba)
God I wish that he was still with me again

(Both)
Every Other Weekend

Q&A: My fiance technically has joint physical custody regardless of court ordered weekends--can he eliminate his child support?

Q. My fiancé has, over time, spent more and more time with his children, even though the court ordered agreement with his ex-wife states that he has the children every other weekend. Since his ex has changed jobs, my fiancé has agreed to watch them during the hours she works so she doesn’t have to pay for daycare. The hours he has the children equal to about half the time, or joint custody, yet he’s been paying her hundreds of dollars in child support each month since she has “full custody.” Can he take this to court and have custody changed, or even just his child support obligations?

A. Your fiancé can definitely have his custody arrangement changed. In fact, he could even go for full custody if he wants, but it will take some hard work and perseverance on his part. But to start, he could take the custody arrangement to court for joint. It’s a good idea that he keep track of when he has the kids, how much he is spending to care for them while they are at his house, etc. A few months’ worth of paperwork should be sufficient enough to take to court. All of this documentation will be used to demonstrate that there has been a “substantial change in circumstances” which warrants a change the current orders. This proof is very important. Without a change in circumstances, technically, you are not able to ask for a change to the orders.

Once in court, he can fight for joint custody, which will significantly lower his child support. In some cases, no one will end up paying child support at all since the custody is 50/50. One parent may be responsible for making the day-to-day decisions though, so that is something to fight for even during a joint custody arrangement.

Also, what happens if your fiancé ends up having to put the children in actual daycare? Who should pay for that? Should it be 50/50? These are the kinds of arrangements and parenting plans that should be considered when taking it to court. You can find out more about making a solid parenting plan that works by checking out the Fathers Rights Protection System.

Q & A: My Boyfriend is Keeping Me a Secret from His Ex!

Q.  My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months, and he recently (within 6 months) got out of the relationship with his ex-girlfriend with whom he has a child with.  Whenever he goes to pick up his son, he doesn’t want me around, and he has been keeping me a secret from his child’s mother.  Should I be concerned?  Where does this leave ME in this relationship?

A.  Just because your boyfriend doesn’t want his ex knowing about you right now doesn’t mean that he doesn’t trust you, love you, or want you to be around.  Understand that he may be keeping you out of the picture for a few reasons. 

First off, his breakup with his ex is fairly recent, and if he doesn’t have a court ordered document regarding custody and visitation, then chances are, he’s just trying to stay on his ex’s good side in order to make visitation and custody arrangements run a little more smoothly.  Without a court order, his visitation with his son is likely sporadic and at the discretion of his ex, so keeping new relationships under wraps for a while is probably a good idea on his behalf.  It’s not that he doesn’t love you, but he may understand that in order for things to run smoothly, he needs to stay on the down low when it comes to new relationships in order to keep his ex from trying to limit his visitation or refuse his rights to visit because she may still have feelings for him or worries about her son getting attached to someone else who may not be around for long.  At this point, it is important that he get a court order established for visitation so that he is no longer at the mother’s whim.  This makes life for you and him much easier.

Just be supportive of your boyfriend’s decisions at this time.  He may have some extra “baggage” from his previous relationship, but know that he’s a mature and responsible person for thinking of his child first.  If you’re there for him, supportive, and are by his side, he will open up to you in regards to his reasons for keeping you a secret from his ex and will continually gain trust in your relationship together. 

Give it time and encourage him to get a court order for custody if this is his primary concern—that way, if she refuses visitation, he can call the cops and get time with his son.

For more help and information, check out the Women for Fathers' Rights eBook, and help the man you love get custody of his children by sending him to the National Brotherhood of Fathers' Rights website!