Q & A: My boyfriend's ex-wife is not following the court ordered visitation schedule

Q.   My boyfriend has an ex-wife with whom he has a son with, and she lives about two hours away.  It is court-ordered that my boyfriend get his son every summer.  This puts a bind on him, however, since his job would force him to have to pay for daycare during the day while he’s working.  I work nights, and can watch his son during the day so that he doesn’t have to worry about making arrangements for daycare.  His ex-wife, however, refuses to let me watch her son, and would rather her son stay with her parents instead, who live in town with her and basically keeps my boyfriend from having any time with his son at all.  Does she have a right to pick who can watch her child even though it’s during the child’s father’s time with them?

A.  Unfortunately, it sounds as though the ex is being highly unreasonable.  If she has a real concern with her son being with you, that’s one thing, but she may just be doing it out of spite, anger, or resentment against your boyfriend.  You’re “the other woman” and maybe she is afraid that her son might get attached to you.  It might be best to sit and talk reasonably with her to find out her true concerns.

However, I think the biggest concern here is the violation of the court ordered agreement.  If they have it court-ordered that he gets his son during the summer, then she is basically neglecting to stick with that court order and could be considered in violation if she is trying to keep their son where she lives just because she doesn’t want you caring for her child out of spite.  If he were to get daycare for his son, would she insist on “approving” of them too?  If not, then it’s a situation of spite.  If so, then maybe she is overly concerned as to who is caring for her son outside of her home.

Q & A: As a girlfriend, do I have a say in my boyfriend's custody arrangement?

Q. My boyfriend’s ex wants 50/50 custody of their son.  There is no court arrangement or child support arrangement that was made after they broke up, and he has always let her see him whenever she wanted.  They have had a fair and friendly relationship until now, when she has decided she wants to take it to court.  As his girlfriend of 3 years, do I have a say in this arrangement?

A.  Even though, after three years of being with your boyfriend, you feel like their son is your own, you technically have no legal influence on the situation.  Now, if his ex wanted to take the issue to court and you two were married, that would definitely be taken into consideration in the courtroom, since you are then a stable family, dual income home, not living in wedlock, and so on.  If his ex is taking it to court now when the joint arrangement has worked out well, she’d have a hard time proving she deserves full custody.  The court may very well keep the custody arrangement as joint, since it has worked for so long, and maybe that’s just what his ex wants—a written, legally binding document to protect her—and your boyfriend’s—legal rights to their son.

Q & A: Can I pick up my husband's daughter for his scheduled visitation time?

Q.  My husband’s ex has full custody of his daughter, but he does get to pick her up for his visitation rights every other weekend.  Sometimes he has to work overtime for his work and cannot go pick up his daughter from his ex-wife’s house.  Can I “legally” pick up his daughter for his visitation time?  I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes and cause a problem that can get him in trouble with the law.

A. You are “not” able to pick up the child for visitation purposes unless you have permission of, of course, your husband and the child’s mother. Usually the court will interpret an order as the father having visitation and will allow him to appoint someone to pick up and drop off the child; however, it is “his” visitation and if he cannot be there for any of the time because he is working then, no, the mother does not have to comply with this.  If, on the other hand, the father cannot commit to transportation because of work, but will be there for the visitation, then the mother would have to comply.

Q&A: My fiance technically has joint physical custody regardless of court ordered weekends--can he eliminate his child support?

Q. My fiancé has, over time, spent more and more time with his children, even though the court ordered agreement with his ex-wife states that he has the children every other weekend. Since his ex has changed jobs, my fiancé has agreed to watch them during the hours she works so she doesn’t have to pay for daycare. The hours he has the children equal to about half the time, or joint custody, yet he’s been paying her hundreds of dollars in child support each month since she has “full custody.” Can he take this to court and have custody changed, or even just his child support obligations?

A. Your fiancé can definitely have his custody arrangement changed. In fact, he could even go for full custody if he wants, but it will take some hard work and perseverance on his part. But to start, he could take the custody arrangement to court for joint. It’s a good idea that he keep track of when he has the kids, how much he is spending to care for them while they are at his house, etc. A few months’ worth of paperwork should be sufficient enough to take to court. All of this documentation will be used to demonstrate that there has been a “substantial change in circumstances” which warrants a change the current orders. This proof is very important. Without a change in circumstances, technically, you are not able to ask for a change to the orders.

Once in court, he can fight for joint custody, which will significantly lower his child support. In some cases, no one will end up paying child support at all since the custody is 50/50. One parent may be responsible for making the day-to-day decisions though, so that is something to fight for even during a joint custody arrangement.

Also, what happens if your fiancé ends up having to put the children in actual daycare? Who should pay for that? Should it be 50/50? These are the kinds of arrangements and parenting plans that should be considered when taking it to court. You can find out more about making a solid parenting plan that works by checking out the Fathers Rights Protection System.