Q & A: My husband is ready to go to court to fight for custody of his children. What should he do now to prepare?

Q.  My husband is planning to go to court to fight for full custody of his two daughters from his ex-girlfriend, with whom they’ve just shared without any legal arrangement.  What things should he do now before he takes this to court to set him up for success?

A.  There are a number of things that your husband can do to help set himself up for success inside the courtroom for full custody.  If him and his ex are currently utilizing a 50/50 setup that has been considered “working” for them, chances are, the judge in a courtroom will state that 50/50 is best for the children and place a court order for exactly what they’re doing now.

Typically, when you’re going to court for a change in custody of children (in most cases, a child custody modification from when an original order was put in place), there typically needs to be some change that has happened, a “substantial change in circumstances.”  This could mean there has been a change in one parent’s income, emotional status, mental capabilities to care for the child, and so on.  If your husband just wants a legally binding document stating his rights as a father, that’s one thing, but if he feels there is a need to be the sole custodial parent of his daughter, that’s another.

Of course, when it goes into the courtroom, he could fight that he is married (assuming his ex is not), has a stable household, etcetera, etcetera.  However, there are a few things that he can do to set himself up quite nicely with the custody evaluators, who can sometimes be the decision-makers as to which household is better set up for full custody of the child.  Make sure your husband is the one that makes the children meals, takes them to school and daycare and brings them home, participates in their extracurricular activities, takes them to their doctor’s appointments, and so on.  This way, when it comes to who does the day-to-day activities in the house, it’s not you—it’s him, and that will help him shine in the courtroom!

Also, it is so very important that he have great connections with the people involved with his children—their doctor, day-care providers, teachers, their friends and their friends’ parents, and other people who play a big part in his child’s life.  This way, if he ever needs written recommendations or statements from them for court, he’ll have a huge group of people behind him 100% offering their observations to the judge.

Q & A: Can I pick up my husband's daughter for his scheduled visitation time?

Q.  My husband’s ex has full custody of his daughter, but he does get to pick her up for his visitation rights every other weekend.  Sometimes he has to work overtime for his work and cannot go pick up his daughter from his ex-wife’s house.  Can I “legally” pick up his daughter for his visitation time?  I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes and cause a problem that can get him in trouble with the law.

A. You are “not” able to pick up the child for visitation purposes unless you have permission of, of course, your husband and the child’s mother. Usually the court will interpret an order as the father having visitation and will allow him to appoint someone to pick up and drop off the child; however, it is “his” visitation and if he cannot be there for any of the time because he is working then, no, the mother does not have to comply with this.  If, on the other hand, the father cannot commit to transportation because of work, but will be there for the visitation, then the mother would have to comply.

Q&A: Why does my boyfriend help out his ex financially, even though he already pays his ex child support?

Q.  Why does my boyfriend help out his ex financially, even though he already pays his ex child support for their daughter?  She’s constantly asking him for money, outside of the funds he pays her each month in child support.

A.  Why does he do it?  Probably out of guilt for not being a part of the child’s life on a day to day basis. Also, at times the mother may guilt him into paying more. But, the answer is something that needs to come from him directly.  Part of it may be that he feels the child support isn’t enough; but doubtful if this is the case!  Is his ex-wife asking for help in buying items for their daughter, or is she asking him for gas money or money for utilities?  If she’s asking for things that directly (and somewhat indirectly) affect his daughter, he may be giving her the money to make sure his daughter is taken care of, especially if she has fully custody.

If he’s going to be attempting to obtain full joint or full custody of his daughter, he may be doing it to document and then show the courts later that he has been fulfilling his financial responsibility—and then some—and can help him show that he is financially better off to care for their daughter, thus giving him a chance at a better custody arrangement. [Oftentimes, though, the courts could care less about how much money the Father pays. The Mother in the courts eyes, “is” the primary caretaker.  Make sure your guy doesn’t overpay, as this isn’t going to make a difference regarding custody.]

But honestly, the reason why he is doing it could be three-fold, and the only way to find out for sure his reasons behind the generosity is to ask him.  If he hasn’t considered gaining custody of his daughter, and if his reasons for financially supporting his ex is in order to make sure his daughter’s needs are taken care of, then maybe it’s time you talk to him about considering taking the issue back to court so that he can gain more custody of his daughter and be more actively involved in her life and caretaking. Just make sure that his extra expenditure does not adversely affect your family.