Q & A: Is there a way to document where my fiance's ex-wife's child support is going? It seems to be going towards her frivolous lifestyle!

Q. My fiancé’s ex-wife continually complains about not having enough money to buy necessary things for their children, but yet she is constantly talking about her new clothes, just purchased a new car, and comes over with perfectly manicured nails.  It’s obvious that the child support my fiancé is paying to her to help take care of their two children is not going where it needs to go.  Can we take her to court to find out how exactly she’s using the child support?  Can we make her document where the money is going?

A.  This is a tough question. You would think that you can take the mother to court to ask for an accounting of how her money has been spent; however, the courts—mainly due to laziness—typically do not want to get into “how” the money is spent.  Unless you can demonstrate a really severe situation in which the kids are really suffering (such as starving, malnutrition, etcetera), you’re going to be hard-pressed to make her cough up an accounting of her expenditures.   I know that this burns you, but these are just the facts, Ma’am!

Q & A: My husband is ready to go to court to fight for custody of his children. What should he do now to prepare?

Q.  My husband is planning to go to court to fight for full custody of his two daughters from his ex-girlfriend, with whom they’ve just shared without any legal arrangement.  What things should he do now before he takes this to court to set him up for success?

A.  There are a number of things that your husband can do to help set himself up for success inside the courtroom for full custody.  If him and his ex are currently utilizing a 50/50 setup that has been considered “working” for them, chances are, the judge in a courtroom will state that 50/50 is best for the children and place a court order for exactly what they’re doing now.

Typically, when you’re going to court for a change in custody of children (in most cases, a child custody modification from when an original order was put in place), there typically needs to be some change that has happened, a “substantial change in circumstances.”  This could mean there has been a change in one parent’s income, emotional status, mental capabilities to care for the child, and so on.  If your husband just wants a legally binding document stating his rights as a father, that’s one thing, but if he feels there is a need to be the sole custodial parent of his daughter, that’s another.

Of course, when it goes into the courtroom, he could fight that he is married (assuming his ex is not), has a stable household, etcetera, etcetera.  However, there are a few things that he can do to set himself up quite nicely with the custody evaluators, who can sometimes be the decision-makers as to which household is better set up for full custody of the child.  Make sure your husband is the one that makes the children meals, takes them to school and daycare and brings them home, participates in their extracurricular activities, takes them to their doctor’s appointments, and so on.  This way, when it comes to who does the day-to-day activities in the house, it’s not you—it’s him, and that will help him shine in the courtroom!

Also, it is so very important that he have great connections with the people involved with his children—their doctor, day-care providers, teachers, their friends and their friends’ parents, and other people who play a big part in his child’s life.  This way, if he ever needs written recommendations or statements from them for court, he’ll have a huge group of people behind him 100% offering their observations to the judge.

Q & A: My husband's ex keeps disappointing my step-daughter--what can we do about the emotional stress she's enduring due to her mom's actions?

Q.  My husband and I have full custody of his daughter.  Although her mom lives in town and could see her whenever she wants, the phone calls to come get her and spend time with her are few and far between.  When she does say she’s going to pick her up for an outing, she gets so excited to see her, but then her mom never shows up.  It’s a constant disappointment for her, and we’re the ones trying to comfort her and encourage her not to feel bad about her mom.  How long can we do this?  Can we take this to court and have her rights to see her taken away due to the fact that she is causing emotional distress on their daughter?

A.  Firstly, you just abide by the court order and the visitation outlined therein; however, we can often apply a rule called “Laches.”  I typically call this the “if you don’t use it, you lose it rule”.  You see, if the mother has made a consistent pattern of being inconsistent and this is disappointing the child, then you and your husband are within your rights to deny access as long as you are in the process of going to court to modify the current orders and limit the mother’s access to supervised visitation. Remember, your case must be strong!  You really do need a documented pattern over a long period of time to modify this effectively and successfully through the courts—whenever she says she’ll be there and does not follow through, document the date and information, including how your daughter felt when the situation occurred.  Documentation like this over a period of time is sufficient proof of emotional distress to your step-daughter.