Q & A: As a girlfriend, do I have a say in my boyfriend's custody arrangement?

Q. My boyfriend’s ex wants 50/50 custody of their son.  There is no court arrangement or child support arrangement that was made after they broke up, and he has always let her see him whenever she wanted.  They have had a fair and friendly relationship until now, when she has decided she wants to take it to court.  As his girlfriend of 3 years, do I have a say in this arrangement?

A.  Even though, after three years of being with your boyfriend, you feel like their son is your own, you technically have no legal influence on the situation.  Now, if his ex wanted to take the issue to court and you two were married, that would definitely be taken into consideration in the courtroom, since you are then a stable family, dual income home, not living in wedlock, and so on.  If his ex is taking it to court now when the joint arrangement has worked out well, she’d have a hard time proving she deserves full custody.  The court may very well keep the custody arrangement as joint, since it has worked for so long, and maybe that’s just what his ex wants—a written, legally binding document to protect her—and your boyfriend’s—legal rights to their son.

Q & A: We're concerned about my fiance's ex and her abusive boyfriend's effect on his daughter!

Q.  My fiancé’s ex is living with an abusive boyfriend, and there is concern as to his daughter in that living situation.  She has full custody, but what can my fiancé do to make sure his daughter is safe and in a better living environment?

A. First off, call Child Protection Services.  It is better to be safe than sorry, and if there are signs or talk of abuse going on in a house with his daughter, action is needed.  Don’t be too quick to call CPS.  But remember, the more proof and better case that you have, the higher the odds of getting something done.  Remember, CPS is a governmental agency and, oftentimes, you’re getting into more than you bargained for—for example, the CPS can dig into an evaluation—including an evaluation of “your” living conditions and environment. Call them if there are signs or talk of abuse going on in a house with his daughter—in cases like this, action is needed for the safety of the child.

In addition to contacting Child Protection Services, your fiancé can also file an Emergency Order through the courts in order to obtain temporary full custody of the children until the issue goes to court.  But as outlined above, think in terms of “shock factor”—don’t go to court with frivolous BS or you will not be taken seriously in the future. By the time the issue gets to the courtroom, you should have additional information from Child Protection Services.  You can also see what you can find out along the line of any calls made to the police from her for abuse—if there is a police report stating they had gone to the house for a domestic abuse situation, then he’s got a strong case to get custody, even if it’s just for a little while.  But make the most of that time and fight for custody past the Emergency Order and into the future if you both feel she’s better off with you and your fiancé.

Q & A: Can my husband get custody of his kids if there are signs and reasons to believe child neglect?

Q.  My husband’s ex-wife has full custody of his two children, but we have been getting wind of some issues going on at her house that are causing reason for concern—the kids are mentioning situations that reflect child neglect, and she even sends them over without underwear because she says she cannot afford them.  They also talk about eating junk food all day, fast food for dinner, going to bed whenever they want (sometimes past midnight!) and they are struggling in school.  My husband has talked to his ex about his concerns, but she blows them off and laughs.  Can my husband get custody of the children because of these reasons?

A.  Yes!  He CAN get custody of the kids because of these reasons, and if he’s dealing with an ex that treats her children’s problems with laughter, he will definitely come across to the courts as the more caring, concerned parent in this situation.  This is not, however, a simple situation and this is not a cut and dry answer. You need to think in terms of “shock” factor when going to court.  The situation must be severe in order to get the judge to actually do something. Remember, family court is very “pro-mother,” so a father really does have to have a great case to win.

Before taking the issue to court, however, it is best that you do a little background work.  Keep a document on your computer where you keep track of when you have the children, what they say, what the ex-wife says, and any other notes or reasons for concern.  Do this for a few months until your husband has a plethora of ammunition against her.  This file can hold up in court as documentation of day-to-day occurrences of such situations.  Constant contact with day-care providers, teachers, and other important figures in his children’s lives should also be fostered on a regular basis—the more these people see the father, the more likely they are to testify for him in the courtroom.

Also, if there is concern for neglect (depending on the severity, it wasn’t stated here), you can call Child Protection Services to check out the situation, or if you have witnesses of such neglect, they may be able to sign written statements to the fact in order to take it to court and file an emergency order against his ex-wife.

Q & A: My boyfriend's son doesn't like me!

Q. My boyfriend’s son from his previous marriage does not like me.  I know I’m not their stepmom by any means at this point in our relationship, but how do I get on his son’s “good side” so that he doesn’t say nasty things to my boyfriend’s ex which could cause her to start problems with their custody?

A.  This answer may be a little vague, considering the vague summary in question.  A lot of this may depend on his son’s age—are we talking about a teenager or a toddler?  If it’s a toddler, give it time.  If it’s a teenager, you can sit with his son and have a heart-to-heart talk.  There may be fears that the teenager has concerns about, such as not getting too close to you in case you end up not sticking around, which can cause more feelings of disappointment and detachment like he felt during your boyfriend’s last divorce.

Also, has the badmouthing about you already started, or are you just concerned that it may?  If it has already started, there’s not much you can do except talk to the child and let them know that they have been misinformed, or that they are mistaken about the topic in question.  If you need to, maybe all of you can sit down with the child and clear the air.  This would all, of course, depend on what is being said, the age of the child, and the specific situation that you and your boyfriend are dealing with. Most importantly, don’t push!  This never helps.