Q & A: My Boyfriend is Keeping Me a Secret from His Ex!

Q.  My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months, and he recently (within 6 months) got out of the relationship with his ex-girlfriend with whom he has a child with.  Whenever he goes to pick up his son, he doesn’t want me around, and he has been keeping me a secret from his child’s mother.  Should I be concerned?  Where does this leave ME in this relationship?

A.  Just because your boyfriend doesn’t want his ex knowing about you right now doesn’t mean that he doesn’t trust you, love you, or want you to be around.  Understand that he may be keeping you out of the picture for a few reasons. 

First off, his breakup with his ex is fairly recent, and if he doesn’t have a court ordered document regarding custody and visitation, then chances are, he’s just trying to stay on his ex’s good side in order to make visitation and custody arrangements run a little more smoothly.  Without a court order, his visitation with his son is likely sporadic and at the discretion of his ex, so keeping new relationships under wraps for a while is probably a good idea on his behalf.  It’s not that he doesn’t love you, but he may understand that in order for things to run smoothly, he needs to stay on the down low when it comes to new relationships in order to keep his ex from trying to limit his visitation or refuse his rights to visit because she may still have feelings for him or worries about her son getting attached to someone else who may not be around for long.  At this point, it is important that he get a court order established for visitation so that he is no longer at the mother’s whim.  This makes life for you and him much easier.

Just be supportive of your boyfriend’s decisions at this time.  He may have some extra “baggage” from his previous relationship, but know that he’s a mature and responsible person for thinking of his child first.  If you’re there for him, supportive, and are by his side, he will open up to you in regards to his reasons for keeping you a secret from his ex and will continually gain trust in your relationship together. 

Give it time and encourage him to get a court order for custody if this is his primary concern—that way, if she refuses visitation, he can call the cops and get time with his son.

For more help and information, check out the Women for Fathers' Rights eBook, and help the man you love get custody of his children by sending him to the National Brotherhood of Fathers' Rights website!